Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Top 10 CNN Heroes of 2010 will be revealed on September 23rd. With the big extravaganza tribute show airing on Thanksgiving!
Taking advantage of the potential boredom-crater posed by this gorgeous homage to humanity, Ryan Seacrest has agreed to produce a last-minute TOP 10 (ANTI) HEROES OF 2010 TRIBUTE.*
“What can I say? I know what the viewing public wants. It wants sex. And danger. And tears. And I’m asking people right now: would you rather squirt some saline over someone who Ludacris says is a hero or someone who rules his theocratic nation with an iron fist? Yeah. You heard me. Ahmadinejad is gonna be there.”
Kim Kardashian* has agreed to host: “Anti? Like honoring aunts and uncles of the world? I think that is so special.”
Here are the nominees, as voted for by a random group of people on Twitter at 3am last Sunday:
- MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: A sweet little man who says that Iran is “not seeking the bomb.” He enjoys walks on the beach and detaining American hikers for more than a year without trial. When not protecting Iran’s Islamic character, you can find him attending UN meetings and insulting countries through a translator. Mahmoud is an Aries who blames capitalism for “the suffering of countless women, men and children in so many countries.” He knows that suffering should be inflicted the good old-fashioned way: with 100 lashes for showing your face.
- THE VATICAN BANKERS: A group of hardworking religious men who believe that Jesus wants them to launder money. The Vatican Bank has vast, unknown sums of money that say, “Hey! No need to wear burlap sacks! Time for an Ermenegildo Zegna suit and for your daughter to attend private school!” What the Holy See doesn’t see is a blessing. Amen.
- DEPARTMENT STORE CHANGING ROOM MIRRORS: A horror film from three different angles. Body of Lies! By the Dimples of Shirley Temple! Attack of the Muffin Top! Whaled on the Beach of Two Sizes Too Small! Great Zeus’ Rippled Landmass!
- MEGAN FOX: By the sheer force of her tattooed body mass index, this little spitfire has promised to chew off the left pinky toe of any opponent who stand in her way toward becoming the (Anti)Hero. “Which I’m pretty sure is like a superhero who flies in the face of everything that society expects of them.” Ignorant of the fact that society expects nothing from her, the “Transformers” star excels at masking vapidity with Chanel No. 5.
- KIM JONG-IL: A swell, misunderstood, Napoleonic little fellow with a great sense of humor when it comes to jokes about South Korea – “so a guy walks into a South Korean bar…” He relishes being called Supreme Leader, especially in bed, and on clear days can be found pointing a nuclear missile (both in bed and out) towards whichever nation his pet budgie instructs him.
- NANCY GRACE: The hands-down favorite for winning, this CNN host poses a lethal danger to anyone who approaches the Blonde Helmet of Femicide. She has single-handedly mastered the art of castrating TV guests with a skilled maneuver involving scalpels and a southern twang. Giving birth to twins in 2007 sparked the great Nancy Grace Has A Vagina? Debate, which ended inconclusively.
- THE CHILDREN’S SECTION LIBRARIAN: Discouraging a love of books among youngsters far and wide, with their evil eye and their constant shushing and their “Cell phones are not allowed!” No doi, asshat, I was trying to turn it off. These ladies are composed almost entirely of paper mache and chalk dust and have been known to survive decades without touch from another human. Their secret motto: Every Child Left Behind. And Shut the Hell Up.
- BWK: More commonly known as Bitch With A Kid, these ladies can be found in your toddler’s music class, at the park, and in line at the Starbucks ordering their accessory a hot chocolate, no whipped cream, 2% milk, and stirred with a golden spoon. They were bitches before they had a kid and popping the light-of-their-lives out from where the sun don’t shine did nothing to change it.
- HORMONES: Motherfucking, goddamn, monthly rollercoaster of the Lady Crazies. At Six Flags Estrogen, my favorite rides are It’s A Small, Weepy World, Pirates of the Bloated, Fat, Disgusting Caribbean, and The Haunted Rage-Filled Mansion.
- GROCERY STORE MOM: Nice-looking lady who passed me in Safeway. Overheard her saying to her kid, “There was a very serious nationwide recall on Count Chocula. How about Cheerios?” Grocery Store Mom, know that you are loved. And that it’s possible that your nomination got mixed in with the wrong Top 10 list.
Despite a brouhaha at E!, Seacrest has found a home for this important event at WE Television.
“It’s going to be very exciting,” says the producer. “We plan on rolling out the Red (Communist) Carpet, doing a Fashion Police with real law-enforcement on all sanction-approved attire, and having swag bags with jeans that nominees can barter for food back in their countries.”
“In fact, Kim Jong-il has agreed to open the show with Enrique Iglesias’ song “Hero.” He says that in North Korea, they have a very special way of kissing away the pain.”
“And although I’m not really at liberty to say, the event may or may not be filmed in Cuba. Eh? Can you say ‘mojito?'”
* Ryan Seacrest was not harmed in the writing of this post. But his hair was a little ruffled.
** Kim Kardashian did not agree to host anything. It would interfere with her capitalistic Quick Trim contract.
The Flying Chalupa 