The Sport/English Dictionary

Like the French/English Dictionary you used in high school.

But with balls.

NFL PRESEASON GAME (noun, of Gaelic origins):  Magic act consisting of vanishing and reappearing based on the poopy-diaper-to-fourth-and-down-ratio.  As used in a sentence:

• SPORT: “It’s the NFL Preseason Game tonight.  New Orleans will win.  Dude!  I can get live TV on the computer!”
• ENGLISH: “Is anyone else shocked that Unlock the Full Power of Your PC With IE9 Beta gets the honor of being Freshly Pressed?  Is that REALLY the best of what’s on WordPress.com?  Really?  Also, would anyone join me in producing a remake of the movie “Twins,” this time starring Tom Brady and Justin Beiber?”

NFL OPENING DAY (noun, derived from Pig-Skin Latin):  The greatest day of the year.  A prolonged moment of heightened masculine excitement with effects similar to Viagra.

Side effects such as blurred vision (“he did NOT let that ball slide through his fingers!”), upset stomach (“and he calls himself a coach!”), and back pain (especially from the Touchdown-Up-&-Down-&-Side-To-Side-&-Call-Your-Dad) to last the length of the season.  As used in a sentence:

• SPORT: “It is un-American to schedule the Back-To-School Picnic on NFL OPENING DAY and I’m bringing my blackberry to check scores.”
• ENGLISH: “Jeans or skirt?  I really should invest in a flat-iron.  Should I pack lunch for the Chalupa or will he actually eat what they offer or will he be nourished on the chaos of hundreds of screaming children?”

THE PLIGHT OF THE BUFFALO (noun, with origins dating back to Super Bowl XXV):  A lesson in the repeated crushing of expectations.  To know how the story will end.  Each and every time.  But to read the story anyway.  As used in a sentence:

• SPORT: “The Bills are looking truly dismal this year, but the Sabres are building a good program.”
• ENGLISH: “I miss T.O.  He brought the bling to the Buff.  That man has gorgeous skin and he filled out that red and blue uniform nicely.”

THE SEPTEMBER MONOLOGUE: (noun, derived from ancient Greek meaning “to ramble”) Annual, grandiose exclamations of relief proclaiming good riddance to the doldrums of a sports-less summer and hailing the fall by lying prostrate on the couch in obeisance before the ESPN Gods on the Flatscreen Chapel.  As used in a sentence:

• SPORT: “Can you feel the excitement?  Things are starting up again!  Hockey!  Football!  Post-season baseball!  I’ve gone so long without sports and have let you watch ALL your shows.”
• ENGLISH: “By all that is holy and Derek Jeter, that is a blatant falsehood!  But if by all my shows you mean the nightly enduring of that show on physics and outer space with the kooky Scottish scientist, then you’d be right.”

COLLEGE GAMEDAY (noun, from the Gallo-Roman meaning “to tailgate”):  The day when college football teams compete, when the cameraman focuses for an obscenely long time on busty cheerleaders, when the marching band wears dark glasses and believes they are cool, when mascots think they can drop-kick the other mascot because wearing a four-foot chipmunk head makes them invincible.  As used in a sentence:

• SPORT: “It’s College GameDay!  I’ll be in the man-cave for the next several hours.  I can’t wait to see if Corso is going to spit on the mascot headgear of the Lord Jeff’s!
• ENGLISH: “The Lord Jeff is a mascot?  That’s gay an embarrassment.  Does Kirk Herbstreit highlight his hair?  He’s kind of cute.  Even if he does fake tan.”

MLB PLAYOFFS (noun, of Finnish origin meaning “to make funny fingerpuppet performance in front of crotchal region”):  After an interminable season, baseball culminates in the playoffs, which ends with the world championship.  Because the world is composed of 29 United States teams and one Canadian team.  As used in a sentence:

• SPORT: “Goddamn it!  The Yankees are on a losing streak.  What the hell do they think they’re doing as we head into the playoffs?”
• ENGLISH: “God bless tight white pants.  Is Minka Kelly really dating Jeter?  Did he approve her appearance on the season finale of Entourage, where Vince was like ‘Minka, I hate you cause you won’t do me?’  And I love when the Yankees win and they all run together and starting jumping up and down in this huge, homoerotic ball of joy.”

THE NHL (noun, not to be confused with the National Hotness League):  Sports league which rewards viewers who have 20-20 vision and their ability to follow a puck the size of a turd slapped around by men zooming around the rink at warp speed.  High definition television is essential.  As used in a sentence:

• SPORT: “Maybe this will be the year that the NHL stops kissing Crosby’s ass and Ovechkin will ramp it up a notch.”
• ENGLISH: “Call me crazy, but Ovechkin’s cute.  No, really, see – oh, shit, that’s him without his helmet and mask?  Sweet baby Jesus, put it back on, dude!  You’re scarring the children!”

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Although you are disinterested in it and feel a general, random rage towards it, you, too, will learn to speak Sport.

With time and patience.

And the knowledge that Sport is essential should you ever want to talk to your husband.